my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
