The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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