After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
