I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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