can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
