This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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