last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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