I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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