I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
