You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
