Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
