did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We left the knife in your bed.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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