my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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