sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
