Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
3pm strippers are depressing
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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