Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
