Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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