just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
