Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
