mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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