Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
