people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
