if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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