My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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