I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Found your dick twin last night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
