i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
