if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
