Your face is a jimmy john
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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