In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
