thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
