The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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