Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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