Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
