my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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