3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
