Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
