After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I love you. Go after that dick
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
