If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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