Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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