Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
