Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize