dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
