I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
