Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
