Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
