if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
