I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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