First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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