At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize