I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
