1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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