I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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