you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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