I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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