I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
