Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
