I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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