did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
