I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
