i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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