just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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