I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
