There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
