Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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