please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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