APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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