He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
