i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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